Swords And Spacemen
by Tyro The Fox
Summary: This is a very strange book. Read this only if you wish to read random ramblings of a potential madman. Or because your bored, one or the other. Please leave a review.
1. First Chapter: Let's kick things off!

-1**A Note To The Reader**

Dear Reader,

This is a small warning. I am not a professional writer, I am an extra tall, intelligent, weird, 16 year old that started this as a bit of English work. Although this could be much worse.

The book could have been written by Eion Colfer, a capable author but will have the plot end up somewhere in Ireland. There's also J.K Rowling but do you really want to add to the millions the Harry Potter books made her? No? Didn't think so (well some people don't want to). Lemony Snicket could have written this, but he'll use his catchphrase which here means making the book repetitive and predictable. Although, you could make a game of it by counting the amount of times it's used, then talk to the people on chat rooms and tell them about your findings. They want to know (but no-one else does)! A possibility is Roald Dahl but he's dead. Crud. He would have been awesome! Spike Mulligan could have written this but it would have four to five hundred swear words and an 18 rating. Anyway, why not read something from someone practically unheard of. I think I could be quite good at this writing lark.

So I'll begin. Are you sitting comfortably? If not, your probably standing so you need to sit down. Or your walking so look out. Oh, who cares where your sitting! At least your reading, so lets get on with it.

Tyro.

Location: Insant 5 Time: Who knows? Event: New Inmate. Man clucking for three days. Normality: 100

**Location: Insant 5 Time: Who knows? Event: New Inmate. Man clucking for three days. Normality: 100**

Oh!" said a voice.

"Oooooh" groaned again, for longer, "My head".

The boy got up and vomited in a bin.

"Oh brilliant, fantastic, smashing!" said the bin and scuttled off, muttering something about young people today, revenge or a new job. The boy got off the damp floor only to find he had a splitting headache. Headaches are common in interstellar travel. He stumbled out of the dark, damp ally and into the street. The street had a bright pink road, a pavement with more bumps in it than three miles of bubble wrap and a thirty foot billboard in front of him that read "For a better tomorrow, yesterday". The people/monsters walking (doing the foxtrot, flying, crawling, spinning, rolling and any other way of getting from A to B) past this poor boy threw him off guard completely.

"What the bloody hell!" shouted this boy in total disbelief, clutching his long-ish light brown hair. "Where am I?" Total panic griping him slowly. Then some random individual answered from behind him:

"You're on Insant 5"

"Don't you mean Earth?"

"Earth? No, that's three light-years away."

This boy just stared at this person in total shock. Then he realised what he was looking at. This creature had all-over body, gingery-brown fur, a long bushy tail, a small muzzle, long, pointy ears sticking out of the top of his head, a tuft of err…"hair" in a small quiff and it was wearing an unbuttoned, red leather waistcoat with matching boots. He looked like an experiment to see what happens when a cat and a teenager is crossed.

"Hi, my name is Milo" said the creature, shaking the boys hand vigorously. "What's yours?"

"D, D, Douglass." answered the boy, surprised that this Milo could speak English.

"I think I have some explaining to do." and with that Milo pulled Douglass by the hand he was shaking, to what looked like a café. They entered and sat down at one of the tables. It was small and filled with creatures of all shapes and sizes. Strangely, the place was in exactly the same style as an old American bar you'd find in a desert. Metal seats, tables and counters. The place seemed to be covered in a layer of grime and grease. Various aliens making eye contact as Douglass scanned the room. He then looked out of the window beside them at a sign held by a man with out a head, he couldn't make out the markings on it. This was Milo's chance to inspect the human he had befriended. Douglass was looking around the café, showing that he had never left earth before. His family wasn't rich either, he was wearing an old, dark green jacket riddled with holes, a dirty pair of trainers, grubby jeans and a black T-shirt. Douglass was also curling his hair with his finger, possibly a sign that he is uncomfortable in his surroundings. Better make this as quick as possible.

"Where am I?" asked Douglass.

"Your in the Known Universe's largest mental asylum and both of us where brought here by mistake. Your planet is off limits until you discover intergalactic travel which shouldn't be for 500 years or more. Sorry, I'm rambling, do you have a question?"

At this point, behind him, a large blue glob quivered to a smaller green one creating a frequency that sounded like a language and this drove Douglass to ask something he didn't expect to say to a talking cat-person.

"How come you speak English?"

"Ah, I am a Galion."

"Sorry?"

"My race is Galion, my first language is Galion and I'm from Galion."

"Wait, your, err…planet, language and race has the same name?"

"That's what I told you. Galions are galacticly renound for our powers of translation. In fact, you're no longer speaking English; you're speaking Galion and can speak over 22 "alien" languages." Before Douglass had a chance to question Milo, he spoke.

"Galions are sorta telepathic; this is possible due to hairs tipped with nerve endings in my paw." Milo held out his paw. It looked like a normal hand with thicker fingers.

"These connect to your brain via your central nervous system when they touch your skin, I then tinker with your brain and allow you to learn entire languages. It's perfectly safe. The fact that you hear English is an unexplainable affect of this power. Your now using thirty-five percent of your brain rather than the usual ten!" Douglas was totally grossed out by this info but believed him as the a sign outside was now readable. A robot entered the café and spotted Milo at a table. It walked over and sat next to Douglass, who moved over in shock rather than politeness.

"I see you have found a nice friend Milo" For some reason, the robot spoke in an Irish accent. The body was a polished chrome of some kind, like a suit of armour and its face had two lights for eyes plus a slit for a mouth that lit up as it spoke. If you think of a pie dish with holes, you're on the right lines.

"Morning Chrome" ,greeted Milo "How are you doing? Is everything ready?"

"Affirmative", answered the robot.

"I thought you said you'd give the computer crap." said Milo

"Never mind! Lets blow this Gibatchi stand!

"Sorry?" ,asked Douglass.

"Don't worry all you have to do is run." replied Milo. At this point, Milo and Chrome stood up, Milo grabbed Douglass' hand, the three of them exited the café and ran down the road. They squeezed past a crowd of people going "Whoop whoop" for some reason, turned a corner and ran on. A couple of wardens saw the three run down the road and suspected an escape attempt so proceeded to chase them. Milo saw them and shouted to Douglass "Jump on Chrome!" then jumped on Chrome's back. A platform appeared out of Chrome's back and small rocket engines out of his arms. He then started to fly horizontally as they fired up, Douglass realised Chrome was now a hoverboard, he had always wanted one ever since watching sci-fi movies when he was seven. Douglass jumped on Chrome and they flew above the crowd (that, by an extraordinary stroke of luck, had stayed of the pavement while Chrome transformed) leaving the wardens behind.

"Is this planed?" asked Douglass to Milo.

"Yes!"

They flew on to a large metal fence where Milo pushed a button on a box he had pulled out of his boot and caused three explosions. One explosion set of the alarm for evacuation, sending the patients into panic, keeping the wardens busy. The other two destroyed the fence so they passed though the hole that was created. The compound, the fence defended, was a like your mundane car park, like one outside supermarkets, but the spaceships would throw the average shopper into confusion. They landed in the nearest ship and immediately, Milo sat at the controls and took off. A few moments to reorient himself and Douglass sat in the co-pilot's chair with a console of flashing buttons in front of him.

"What just happened?" ,He asked Milo.

"Douglass, we've just escaped form a nie-inescapable mental hospital that covers a whole planet that would have taken another seven years for the window of opportunity to open again."

Douglass processed this and came to the conclusion that Milo may have saved him from having to explain why he'd been missing for seven years.

"Thanks. And all my friends call me Doug." There was a grin on Milo's face for a good five minutes before his mouth got tired and reluctantly limped to a straight face.

"And that's when I knew what I wanted to do." Milo had been telling stories of his life in the dimly lit space craft, to fill sometime. Chrome had powered down and was in a corner of the ship."I mean, I had always been good at Biology but much better at Geography, so I decided to do a paper on the Alps on Earth for my G.A.A." Milo remembered who he was talking to.

"Galion Achievement Award, there like an A level." Douglass and Chrome had been listening to Milo's idea of entertainment for at least an hour. Douglass struggled to keep his eyes open as Milo continued. "Then a capture 'droid thinks I'm an escaped patient and sends me to Insant 5". In an attempt to change the subject, Chrome interrupted Milo.

"How did you end up on Insant 5

?" Douglass thought for a second and answered.

Douglass woke up, he could sworn that there was a noise from downstairs but he couldn't hear anything at all. Even the road outside his street was silent. He listened in the dark of his room for something to confirm his thoughts. He tried to get back to sleep but a loud crash woke him back up. He was all alone in the house so it was up to him to defend his home. Douglass got out of his room and picked up his rapier.

Now, I now what your thinking. Kid with a sword is hardly a good idea however Douglass' is on the whole a reliable, possibly uneventful, kind of guy so his parents trusted him to use the sword responsibly. Some people still like fencing.

In the forbidding darkness of the hallway outside his room, there stood his cat, Maggie. She was completely frozen solid. Like she was in some sort of picture. Even when he picked up the cat she remained completely still.

"A small animation suspension field." interrupted Milo "There Illegal!"

There was another crash from the basement. When Douglass went to investigate, there was a flash of light and woke up in the alleyway.

"What I want to know is, why did the 'droid even enter the solar system? Let alone mistake an human for an escapee from a non-human mental hospital." Said Milo, leaning back in his chair.

"So what? There's an alien running around that looks like me".

"No. Its probably so damaged it probably thinks its a fax machine." A stray thought surfaced in Douglass' mind.

"I'm the furthest away from Earth anyone's ever got, aren't I!"

"Yeah. Your the first human to leave the solar system." Then Douglass' face lit up as another thought emerged.

"I'm gonna be famous!"

Milo started shaking Douglass' hand again as vigorously as before. He had come to the same conclusion.

"Right up there with all of the other astronauts and be ambassador for Earth." All of this simply washed over Douglass as though Milo was speaking another language (Milo technically is speaking Galion but that's beside the point). The same feeling can be felt when your teacher does a lesson on surds (you don't want to know what they are!).

"When you where transported to Insant 5 you left your galaxy. There is a K.U law that states that a planet can only join the K.U by sending an ambassador that will declare his arrival and origin. It doesn't say anything about arriving under your own power!" Milo explained. This information sunk in better for Douglass but began to question it. He was just going to sign the Earth to what sounds like a cosmic country club?

"So how come you do fencing?" asked Milo, randomly switching subject.

"Oh, anything with swords really. My Granddad showed it to me and I got really interested. Apparently its in my blood to be a swordsman. I'm related to King Arthur." Milo had froze with the last few words, staring at Douglass with his slitted cat-like eyes. Only the ships engines were filling the void of silence Douglass had created. A light and a low beeping came form the ships controls in front of them as an enormous planet appeared in the ship's view screen.

"Entering Galion atmosphere" Milo said turning himself to face the controls.

"Turn off auto-pilot and ready landing gear. I'm going home."

Location: Earth: UK

Polly Spears was frantic with worry. To the point were she would hug him to death then kill him. What the hell is going on? Douglass is totally disappeared of the face of the planet. If she kept pacing like this she would wear out her new slippers. It was to embarrassing be out side in the street in he nightie and dressing gown and police wouldn't let her in to change. But the police will find Douglass, they won't let him come to harm. Polly is on the edge of crying and the thought of Douglass lying in a pool of his own blood somewhere far away pushed her into uncontrollable sobbing. A girl with reddy-brown hair like Polly's ran towards her and gave her a hug. Polly hugged back repeating "Where is he?" under her breath.

"Would you like a tissue, Mrs Spears?" Said a police man with a box of tissues. Polly took one and dried her eyes.

"Anything?" The girl said.

"Well, the rapier suggests an intruder but the machine is something..." the policeman paused to find a suitable word. "Err...different." The machine in question has been looked at by many experts. Photos of the parts left of the machine were sent to experts but all they could say was "It looks broken". The tragedy was that you didn't have to have PHD's to come to that conclusion. Even the bloke down the town that sells the dodgy radios could have told them that. Anyway...

"The only other possibility is that he has been abducted" the policeman said.

Polly thought about this new information and tried to pull her self together. A question formed in her mind. Who'd want to take Douglass?


	2. Second Chapter: Welcome To Galion

"I'm on another planet." Douglass decalred as they got off the little shuttle.  
"Ye blud!" said Chrome with a limp hand gesture which made his companions just stare at him with worried looks.  
"I think he's broken." said Douglass.  
"Aye! Doug, lad!" Chrome was now, apparently, a pirate. "There be a fault with my me voice unit. I be an old dog at three-hundred-and-sixty and coun'in'." Milo quickly overcame the initial shock.  
"I'll get him looked at. You-" Milo pointed to Douglass "go register the human race. I'll show you where to go."

They made their way towards a bustling crowd on a narrow street. It was mostly stone and with a street market baking in the evening sun. Rows and rows of of brightly coloured stalls selling anything and almost everything. Passing through the multi-species crowd (some how with relative ease), Douglass caught glimpses of the stalls. Spice stalls, bead stalls, butchers stall selling the guts of something. Milo led Douglass to a clearing in the forest of people. They stood in front of a huge, grey (in both senses of the word) building.  
"This is the registration office." Milo said, gesturing to the building "Just tell him where your from and your name." He then grabbed Chrome by the hand and pulled him into the crowd again. Douglass looked up at the colossal building, it was a bit intimidating (as all skyscrapers should be).

He entered through the double doors to find a cramped grey room that didn't suit the size of the building. Douglass let out a well needed "Huh?" as he had been subjected to a lot lately. Everyone needs a good release of confusion now and again.  
"Yes! Yes!" said an old man, his voice wizened, in the point of breaking and frankly bored. "The rooms too small! The rest of the space is for storage of records. Yes, I have had to say that a lot!" He bellowed at Douglass with fifty years of built-up agitation, clearly intending to insult with his croaky, squeeky voice. Like being berated by a mouse. He was as grey as the room he inhabited with a white beard that covered most of his face and draped over the desk he was sitting at so it almost touched the floor. His white hair as long as his beard, covering him like some sort of robe. There was a brief thought of whether this man was wearing anything that was quickly removed. He breathed a sigh of remorse and got out a piece of paper and a blue 'pen'.  
"Name and planet?" he inquired.  
"Douglass Spears. Two S's on Douglass. Earth."  
This last word seemed to cheer up the old man. Douglass couldn't be too sure as the man's face, for the most part, was obscured by his beard.  
"Finally being sociable after over 2000 years of evolution and hacking each other to bits! Took your graking time if you ask me." The man said filling in the paper as he spoke. "Not that anyone will." he added under his breath.  
"And why have they sent some eyeties teenager to represent Earth, ay? I'm surprised its taken Humans this long to find the rest of us! Are they really as lazy as I have heard, boy?" Thrown off a bit by the random question in the middle of the constant abuse, Douglass answered.  
"What do you..."  
"Please! I'm still talking!" The man interrupted. "There supposed to be cleaver and they've been hypocritical, thieving, and darjeeling! And they only eat kidneys. I heard it, so it must be true" Douglass didn't know it, but he was seeing an idiot in full till idiocy to the best of this man's ability. This office was the safest place for him.  
"Your done! Next!" he said, hitting a small bell on his desk with a smaller hammer.  
"No-one?" He said looking around the room, despite there being nothing in it besides him, his desk and Douglass. His next move was to fall instantly asleep. His head banged on the desk violently but the man remained in slumber.

Milo was outside when Douglass left the small room, ready to meet him.  
"Don't worry. He's horrible to everyone. Poor man. Anyway. We need to meet a friend about getting you home." Douglass perked up at hearing this.  
"Cool."  
"There sending a ship to Earth to welcome them to the K.U. We can go with them." So they dived back into the crowd.

They were headed for the Shrine of Telephos. Built on a large hill with steps leading up to it. Three huge arches acted as doorways. Apart from that it was surprisingly square, as though the architect couldn't be bothered to make it interesting or be creative in anyway at all. Just three arches slapped on the front. It still resided over the buildings surrounding it. Making your way inside makes you forget about the exterior. It was a vast library that seemed to climb towards the extremely high ceiling forever. Indoor skyscrapers.

"Now we find Kantar." said Milo as though Douglass knew who Kantar was. Milo began to talk to the many bystanders in the library with questions. Normally a dangerous thing. Milo's pestering of random individuals paid off when a bald man in a blue uniform and a exaggerated white handle-bar moustache pointed across the row to a large door at the end. They made there way to the door to discover raised voices from the other side.  
"I will not allow it!" the voice was deep and angered.  
"What motive could you have for imprisoning me here" said a second effeminate but distraught voice.  
"Your safety is our concern and prison would stop your life from being lived." said the first voice.  
"Day-to-day life can be a prison too." With that came the sound of footsteps towards the door. Milo steeped away from the door as a galion in a dazzling white gown burst through the door and ran past Milo and Douglass, out of the building. Afterwards came a clearly elderly galion. He had large areas of concrete-colour fur and dressed in an elaborate robe. He noticed Milo.  
"I don't believe it!" He cried.  
"Hello, Paxal!" Milo said back.  
"Who is your friend?"  
"This is Douglass from Earth."  
"Glad the humans are being sociable." Paxal began shaking Douglass' hand as vigorously as Milo had before.  
"I prefer just Doug."  
"Fine by me Doug." He then turned to Milo. "What brings you here?"  
"He may be the.....one." Said Milo.  
"Oh my!" Paxal's hand stopped shaking Douglass'.  
"What evidence do you have?" Paxal said.  
"He said he was related to the King." answered Milo.  
Clearly, Douglass was on the inside looking in. What are they on about?  
"Eh..OK. Let's give it a shot. Come with me, dear boy! This is urgent. I can't begin to tell you!" His mood went from welcoming to indifference to excited in a matter of seconds. Paxal led Douglass through the door and down the corridor behind it.  
"I'll stay here then." Milo said. He felt unwanted in Paxal's excited moment.  
The corridor was bare and dark with the only light coming from the doorway behind them. They then stopped, Paxal hit a panel on a wall that was invisible in the darkness. A light came on above a glistening sword set into the ground.  
"If you can pull the sword from out of the ground, then it is yours keep." Paxal said.  
"What? Like a test-you-strength machine?" Douglass said.

"Sure, fine. Whatever." Doug grabbed the handle of the sword and pulled. It didn't budge. He tried again. Nothing. He tried again and again and again.  
"It doesn't want to move." Douglass said, puzzled by the sword in the stone-paved ground.  
"Maybe you should..." Paxal trailed of when Douglass had another go. After, about twenty seconds of grunting and heaving, the sword....was still in the ground.  
"Douglass, I think you should..." Paxal began.  
"Wait! I think I've got it..." Douglass interrupted. Then the sword seemed to just lurched free from the ground. Paxal stood amazed as Douglass compensated for the fact that the sword was now free.  
"Douglass! You've done it! You've..." Paxal cried but Douglass whites out before hearing the rest of what he said.

Grumbling, Douglass picked himself off the floor. He was in a bindingly white room. It was so white you could practically taste the shine everything gave. There was a predictably white four-poster bed to Douglass' side. A girl, blonde in a white nightie, was staring at him with white eyes. Nah! I mean hazel.  
"Hello, sir Knight." She said. Douglass had to look for someone else before he figured out it was him she was talking to. Did knights wear jeans?  
"Hi! How are you?" Douglass said. He couldn't think of anything else to say.  
"Quite. Its time for you to assume your role as the hero of the tides. To cross the stars to where ever you are needed. You will never be alone. I will be beside you all the way but first, what is the date?" Douglass tried to make sense of what she was on about before being caught off guard by the question.  
"What? We've just met..."

"Sorry? All I want is the year." The girl said.

"Errrr......... 2009?" He said. He had no idea what was going on right now.  
"Sorry? Could you repeat that?"  
"Two thousand and nine." The girls expression of general well being plunged to a look of horror.  
"What! Oh my! This isn't right! I've been asleep for too long! I should have known. You don't look anything like the son's son of Arthur. Damn!" She slammed her fist on the bed  
"Damn!" and again.  
"Damn!" and again.  
"Hey!" Douglass stopped her. "What the hell is going on? First I land on an alien planet and now I'm talking to some girl in a room after pulling a sword out of the floor! I'm not tripping am I?"  
"What do you mean by tripping? Your not even moving."  
"I mean doped up. Out of it. Drugged. Am I imagining this or not?"  
"I definitely hope not."  
"Good. So who are you?" The girl looked hurt.  
"Don't you know who I am?"  
"I wouldn't have asked if I did." You couldn't fault that logic. She crawled to the other side of the bed and stood up.  
"I am the lady of the lake." She waited for the moment when he would come to his senses and knee before her.  
"Uh huh. And I'm the king of China." It obviously didn't come. The lady of the lake gave Douglass a slap for being so rude. He brought his hand to his cheek.  
"What was that for?"  
"Maybe you'll show me more respect next time we meet."  
"What are you o........."

"Douglass! Welcome back." Milo was kneeling next to him. "Hey the welcoming crew have arrived!" Milo helped him up. They made there way out of the corridor and into the rest of the building, clutching the sword.

Funny five minuets doesn't cover the last few events.

"Milo!" said as a galion in a large mane walked towards Milo with outstretched arms.  
"Sagittarius Sparks!" Milo said as he ran over to great his old friend. The bonded in one of those man hugs I've heard so much about.  
"Glad to see the old walking encyclopaedia. Who's the friend?" Milo turned and gesture to the left out Douglass as he spoke.  
"This is Douglass, the new owner of Excalibur." Sagittarius gave him such a hand shaking the blood in his hand would have been separated into the cells and the plasma. Odd idea but I thought it would sound better on paper.  
"Well done Douglass! Had to got to someone! Good to see Earth being sociable. Meet the crew." he said gesturing to the row of people lined up and standing at attention. Sagittarius guided him to the fist of the line. Douglass thought she was pretty for a galion. Her mane/hair was tied back and with a few stands of hair falling in front of her face. She was covered in a light yellow fur but strangely had purple hair. The rest of her was in a similar uniform to Sagittarius. Blue lined with yellow. It made them look like air-hosts. A nervous smile formed on her face surrounded by white.  
"This is my new second-in-command: Cassandre."  
"Its a pleasure to travel with you Lieutenant Commander Sparks." she said with that first day optimism.  
"Please call me just Sparks, everyone else does. You'll wear yourself out with all the 'Lieutenant Commander' stuff."  
She smiled back slightly with a small, acknologing nod as Sparks moved to the next in line.  
"This is my head of engineering: Reurith."  
She was more confidant and comfortable than Cassandre. Her mane/hair was untamed and with most of the fringe was sticking up. She resembled a fox with her orange fur but the black hair contrasted against this. Her uniform was the same but it had two badges on the front. Douglass guessed they were the Galions' equivalent of medals.  
"She's been decorated for bravery. She's my go-to-gal usually." Sparks said, clearly proud of his officer. He seemed to be picking a small amount of dirt on one of the medals.

"When are you going to stop parading me around? Its embarrassing now!" Reurith hissed, slapping his hand.  
"Moving on." Sparks pushed Douglass lightly to get him moving. They stopped in front of a hulking galion that barely fitted in the uniform. The could only just see his face over his chest.  
"This is one of our engineers: Teillitanks Obst. He prefers Tank." Tank looked down and smiled at them. It was one of those that you would only return so he wouldn't eat you. The smile revealed the rows of perfect teeth. His chestnut fur was cut back into a neat, regulation cut on the top of his head. Not that you could see that. They moved along to the last in the line.  
"This is the other engineer: Alli." It was a sort of chinchilla that's gotten really big staring back at him. Its white furred face stared back at him. Large feet and long ears that looked like the could pick up signals.  
"What are you looking at?" said Alli. His voice was to high to be intimidating. Then again, you could hug him rather than beat him up. Douglass saw the opportunity to answer back.  
"I don't know but its looking back." Douglass said. He'd heard that one at school once. The little guy smiled.  
"He's quick. I like him." he said to the rest of them.  
"That's everyone. We need to board the ship before sundown. Everyone move out. " He said. So they made there way to the exit and through the crowds to the ship.

While no-one doing anything worth telling you about, I'll talk about Galion's. Galions are the natural translators of the universe. They are able to learn a language in seconds when they shake hands. Its thought that Galions came form a single ancestor, the Psy-wolf. A creature with psychic abilities that could learn communication patterns so avoid being eaten by the few predators that could eat them. It was able to be used at range but the link with any creatures brain was always stronger with contact. As the Galions came to be, the psychic abilities became limited to learning a language and only through contact. Galions have recovered there powers but not all of them. The retrieval of the abilities takes years. It would take three lifetimes to get back to the Psy-wolf level. The best the Galions have done is a Galoin that can read the mind of a someone a meter away from him. And even then, the only information he could get was whether he had had breakfast or not. Plenty of evidence has been found to prove the existence of the Psy-wolf but no evidence has been found of a creature before the Psy-wolf. A prize will be given to the first one to find evidence that the Psy-wolf evolved and to bring what it evolved from.

Anyway! On with the show.

BOOM! I like to start things of with a bang *ba-dum-chish* And a large mushroom cloud that everyone came to investigate. The Welcoming Crew would have ignored it and carried on if it wasn't for the fact that every single device with a speaker was calling for the carrier of the sword, Douglass. People were cursing and dropping there devices in annoyance. Since who ever was sending the message had gone to so much trouble with the evil ventriloquism act, they decided to see what the fuss was about.

"Why are we going? It'll be sorted out sooner or later." Alli complained on the way there. He was generally ignored though. Eventually he was told to zip it as the reached the scene of the destruction. There was a man in a long leather coat and a large hat. His boots were visible between the bottom of his coat and the flying platform he stood on.  
"I call forward the new owner of the sword Excalibur. Who ever he may be." The voice from the figure was artificial. Fake. Like a call centre voice but more menacing. Clearly he was calling the shots and would have shot anyone that said otherwise. Reluctantly, Douglass was shoved forwards from the crowd. Douglass wasn't used to having aliens staring at him. Most of the staring was aimed at the sword in his grip though. The man in the coat and hat landed on the ground, stepped of the platform, walked over to Douglass. The face that greeted him will haunt him for the rest of his life. A gas mask with shutters on the eyes for a face. There was a faint noise of bellows being squashed and prised apart again in a rhythmic pattern. Underneath his coat was a metal chest plate and armour-plated legs, moving towards him.  
"It is an honour to finally meet the welder of Excalibur." His voice was digital, muffled by the speakers it had to come out of. "So I going to ask you nicely. Hand over the sword and all these people live." Feel free to boo and hiss him. Douglass couldn't see why he wanted to give this guy the sword.  
"Should have known that it would be harder than that. Never mind." the man turned and stepped back on the platform. He rose into the air.

"Is that it?" Alli whispered to Tank.

"Fine, boy. If you can stop me from destroying your planet, you can keep the sword. Fail and the sword is mine." And he flew off leaving Douglass staring at him as he departed.  
"Is he serious?" He said.  
"I don't want to wait around to find out." Sparks said. "To the Palisade." The Galions, Human and small gerbil/mouse-thing ran from the scene, fighting to get through a bewildered crowd.

The Palisade is a "welcome wagon" ship. A ship only needed to get from A to B. these are usually very comfortable to travel in and have only a medium fire-power range of weapons. It looked a great ship, filling the crew with confidence with this mission. It was state of the art and very agile. The corridors were silver and clean. The sleeping quarters were carpeted and comfortable. The crew were impressed with the ship even if the constant grey might irritate them and they had to double up on sleeping quarters.

Douglass walked through the doors to the bridge. He couldn't help thinking everything was so sci-fi. Sparks was in front of a computer console in a swivel chair that complimented the grey of the room. Milo was at computer fiddling with something. Douglass walked over to look at his screen.  
"I'm changing the desktop theme. I've always liked maroon better than the trashy blue." he said. He pushed a button and the screen turned a bright red. Douglass looked round the bridge. The only other person here was Cassandre, the rest were else where in case of emergency. She was showing her nerves slightly but otherwise fine. She handed sparks a clipboard then sat down. Douglass found a seat too. The twin-engines of the Palisade roared to life. Two jets of blue flame pumped out of them to give the ship the thrust it needed. The hanger door opened as the landing gear was retracted. Gently at first the ship crawled forwards. Gaining momentum, it flew out of the doors and over the city rooftops. The aerodynamic craft pulled up and within a few minuets, it was clear of the planet's atmosphere.


	3. Third Chapter: Life in Spaceycolour!

-1Palicade Diary Computer Data Bank. Entry (3257.9257.50327509) Star Date: Err.....

The door whooshed open as Douglass walked through them. The novelty would run out eventually. Then again he did spend a good hour playing with the door of his quarters by throwing things at it a seeing if he could hit them before they opened. He entered the bridge, thinking fondly of his little game. Sparks was in the driving seat at the front. It probably had a better name than that. The other crew members were sat in smaller versions the drivers seat. They were circled around Sparks. Douglass took a seat between Tank and Milo.

"Sleep well?" Milo said.

"Yeah." Douglass replied.

"You'll wear the doors out if you keep trying to throw things at them." Milo whispered. Douglass thought no-one knew about that. He looked at the other crew members. They no longer had to dress in there smart uniforms. Cassandre still was in her uniform but some of the buttons had been left undone. She was being whispered to by Reurith who had all but completely thrown her uniform on her quarter's floor. She sat there in a simple white T-shirt and the uniform trousers Douglass had seen her wear yesterday. She must have been telling something incredibly funny as Cassandre had to cover her mouth to stop her laughter from bursting out. She sat back and smiled at Reuith.

"Good to see you all rested well. We have to have all our meetings in here because there is no conference room on board. I don't mind and I shouldn't think it would make any real difference anyway. Besides, I always find that the drivers seat is all ways the comfiest seat on board." Said sparks. He commanded the attention of his crew.

"You'd think they'd call it something else!" Alli said. He was next to Sparks and Tank. He was in a T-shirt too but he also wore a pair of elongated shoes that spanned his entire foot. They were blue like the uniforms. He was swamped in the chair he sat in.

"Yes." Sparks said, getting back to business. "Now, are mission, as you all know is to give Earth a big welcoming hug and assess the inhabitants but! " he paused to emphasise the word "but" "There is a load of snags. Snag 1: the journey will take two months or so. Snag 2: It'll probably take longer if we're held up or have to land. Snag 3: crazed maniac is travelling to earth to apparently destroy it. The last one shouldn't be a problem. We have Douglass." He gestured to him. Douglass felt incredibly uncomfortable very quickly. "He has the sword Excalibur that can be used to defend the earth against him because, after all, that is what its designed to do." The mind of Douglass Spears clouded over. Save the earth? Him?

"That's all I have to say. Anyone else got something they'd like to add?" Sparks concluded. The sentence was met with silence.

"Then meeting adjourned." The crew got up and walked over to the door behind them leaving only Cassandre and Sparks in the bridge.

The box-opener hovered over the wooden box.

"Now for the moment of truth." Milo said to Douglass. He slammed the device into a crack on the box. He pushed a button that made two arms force the side of the box away from the rest of it.

"Thank...you..for...o...penin..g....tha

..t..f..or....m...eeee!" Said a voice from within the container. A hand of glistening metal came out from the box and gave a thumbs-up gesture.

"It doesn't sound like they fixed him." Douglass said.

"Well, no. He's been fitted with a new voice box that he can manipulate." Milo answered, stepping back to stand next to Douglass. "He has it in neutral."

"Hey! I can do impressions!" came Douglass' voice from the container as Chrome stepped out of the wooden box. "Hi, I'm Douglass. I'm a monkey boy." The real Douglass groaned.

"Does he have to do that?"

"I can do Milo too!" he said in his voice. "Look at me! I'm the walking encyclopaedia!" While Douglass was laughing away, Milo wasn't impressed.

"I can turn you off. Find a voice you like and stick to it." his voice had that special kill-joy quality that stern parents tend to have.

"Fine if I ha..." there was a loud clang behind them. It was instinct to look behind themselves to see what had happened. But the cargo bay was deserted. It was well lit so they would have seen something. Another tumble of metal on metal from one of the containers of food.

"I'll go check." Milo said as he walked over to the large storage container. He pulled on the handle, stepped back to let the door open, then walked in. A white mist came from the refrigerated box. A couple of moments passed, Milo appeared again and shut the door.

"What was it?" Douglass asked.

"I didn't see anything. Must have been a rodent or something." Satisfied, Douglass, Chrome and Milo left the Cargo Bay.

Reurith half-stumbled into the the corridor.

"What are you doing?" she hissed.

"I thought I saw someone go down to the cargo bay." Milo said. He didn't turn to face her as he spoke. Reuith didn't notice this.

"If we have a stow-away, I'll go wake up Sparks. If not we go back to sleep, OK?" she whispered to Milo.

"Agreed." So they went down to the cargo deck. A few minuets later, Milo came back out. He had gone to fetch a blanket. He later returned to the cargo bay with the item. Maybe they had found a shrex. Shrexes are great. Like a cross between a cat and shrew. They make very docile pets.

Douglass woke up that same night. For the tenth time! What was wrong with him, apart from the obvious. It was more like something was preventing him from dropping off. He tried to come up with a plan. Lets see, he thought, there's no books, no TV and I don't want to try and order warm milk in case I get some things head instead. Them he remembered something his Gran used to do. He walked over, past Milo's unoccupied bed, into the bathroom. He must have gone for a walk around the ship. Its probably too small for that but its better than nothing. He ran the water into the basin. He'd figured out the controls for the sink. It had a warm setting. The vapour condensing on the mirror clouded Douglass' reflection. He grabbed what he guessed was a flannel. Its an absorbent piece of cloth that's used to moisten the skin of reptilian creatures. It would do the same job. He dipped it into the water, raised the dripping flannel out of the water and began to wash his face with it. This had better work, he said.

"Can't sleep?" Douglass jumped and looked into the water. It was the Lady of the Lake.

"What are you doing there?" he managed to gasp to the reflection.

"I am here to begin your training." she said calmly.

"Now?" Douglass moaned.

"Of course, your all alone." It was a fact he could agree with.

"Train me?"

"Do you do nothing but ask questions?" she was getting kinda steamed (*ahem* Ah come on! She's the lady of the lake! And she's steamed? Forget it! My talents are wasted on you! Feel ashamed enough to keep reading.)

"But how are you supposed to do anything when your a reflection?" At that moment, the refection reached forward. As it came closer, the water took the form of a finger at first. More of the water solidified, a clear colourless hand gripped the side of the basin. It haled a arm out of the water but the water was being taken up. The hand turned around, pushed a button on the panel that controlled the sink. Water trickled down the sides to meet the arm of water. It pushed another button, leaving a few droplets on the panel of touch-sensitive buttons. The hand fell to the side of the basin again. Rising out of the water, came the top of a head. The small girl's face from the white room. She looked like she was made from glass. Her torso rose from the sink. She pulled out her other arm and tried to crawl out of the basin, leaving puddles were she went. A glassed leg rested on the side of the basin. She was finally able to get out of the basin. With one final heave, the rest of her body formed was she flopped onto the floor in front of Douglass, splashing and then reforming on the floor. She managed to pick her self up. The eyes of a glass statue gazed onto the vacant and awe-struck expression of Douglass. A phrase about catching flies would be appropriate.

"This is what I wish to teach you." said the Lady. Douglass couldn't really speak. He tried anyway.

"Wow!" he was taken baby-steps; a wise move.

"I wish to teach you how to move the currents, part the seas and command the oceans." said the lady, a puddle of water formed around the sink. It was beginning to over flow. Douglass managed to realise this and snapped out of awe-struck mode. He turned off the tap.

"That is soo cool!" he said to the Lady before he could help himself.

"Quite, now. I need to start you off before some one comes. I want to to raise your hand to the water. Empty your mind." The lady said. Douglass turned to the basin, worth a try. She looks like a witch so I'd better do as she says, he thought.

"Reach out and let your mind feel the water. Let it sink in to the basin and become one with the water. Let...." Douglass couldn't here the rest of what she said. His ears were now filled with those that you hear underwater. It displacing and filling the gaps as it continually moves. The noise of movement rose. He felt himself pulled into a current that swirled, keeping him in the same place. What he could see was distorted by the liquid, but he appeared to be floating above the basin, staring back at a lifeless stiff that resembled him. He knew it couldn't be him. He was in the water. His vision told him he was slowly floating back into the basin. The sound of water still in his ears. He could feel the rocking motion of the water, being swung side to side as it settled. Soon, he settled with it. His mind and the water, as one.


	4. Fourth Chapter: A Bit of Action

-1\Palisade\ Battle Data Bank {1} [46]2130621083784:92852179293[88]. [SearchTags:oh,bugger,we're,de ad]

Alarm bells and noises are a pet hate of mine. Out of all the noises in the universe, why does the siren for emergency have to deafen you with the same squeal over and over again. Awooga-awooga gets tiresome after a while. Personally, I'd evacuate any building, as fast as possible, if you started playing Spice Girls. The reason I started this rant was written on a piece of paper. That piece of paper is now travelling through the digestive tract of a half-Burmese cat. I would remember it but I'm not brilliant at that so I write it down. This fatal flaw has now caused you some pain as I type my complaint. There are somethings I gotta get off my chest. Even if you were expecting a story.

Now I've forgotten how the next bit goes. Its OK because I wrote it down! Oh damn! Come on Kitty! Give it back! NOW! No, paper is bad for cats. Wouldn't you like some fish instead? Oh come on! What is it with you and any notes I make. Can't you just leave me alone? Yeah, you go and throw up! See if I care that you upset your stomach. Wait. No! Not there! Get outside! Bloody cat........

Who's been writing all that?

Sparks slammed on the button to kill the alarm, expressing his detestation of Awooga noises. The entire bridge shook as a ship shot at them. The cannons had been activated. Douglass and Milo tripped onto the bridge.

"Who in Omesta, is shooting at us?" Milo said, running to the view screens.

"Remember the walking life-support-system back on Galion?" Sparks said as Tank squeezed through the doorway.

"The engines are disabled. We can get them back on but it'll take some time." Tank said. He slid back out of the bridge. Sparks turned his attention to the control console in front of the drivers seat.

"We're not meant for too much action. We need to get going." He punched in some commands to the computer. Chrome walked in.

"It sheemsh we're under attacksh." Chrome said, he's weird and actually quite bad American accent that made him sound drunk. "I tink its time to lock and load." he had swapped to a deep, Austrian sort of voice. Eight tubes sprang out of his arms, four on each arm. In unison, lurched forwards and back, with a click for each movement.

Spacesuits have to do three things: stop heat escaping, keep air in and maintain a certain pressure. Do that and the person inside lives until his air runs out. If the pressure isn't kept in check then the head explodes (I know from first-hand experiences). If temperature isn't sorted out then......then.....errrr.......nope! I can't make that out. The piece of paper I wrote it down on has the remains of my cats dinner over it. From what I can make out people will freeze drop stant dea. But no-one is stupid to out with out a sp suit because of the insta dea problem. I have now idea what insta dea is but I sounds nasty. Douglass Spears is in that situation that allows for insta dea. To protect him from insta dea he has a space suit. It fitted fine but it would fit some thing that had a tail better. It had a sort of sleeve for the tail to go. It was going to waste as long as Douglass wore it. He had a hefty looking gun. It was weightless in space but it still looked like it would pack a punch. Chrome stood next to him. His arms raised and trained on the ship coming back for another run on the paralysed Palisade. Douglass raised the gun. It charged up, a little light came signalling that Douglass could pull the trigger. A small canister, the size of a drinks can, propelled by a small rocket engine, flew towards the other ship. It exploded on its hull. damage couldn't really be seen as the ship pulled away from the Palisade. Dissappearing into the black infinity in front of them.

"ASHNACK! He's ahead!" Sparks swore loudly into Douglass' ear via the radio. I would translate that first word but what would be the point? I'd have to cover it up somehow....

Polly couldn't quite get on with her life. It got harder and harder as more and more police came in. The pieces of the machine had gone somewhere else to be studied. Everything was crumbling as she tried to build it up again. She was staring at her mug of tea, not aware of it but she was. Lost in thought rather than the milky brown liquid her held in her hand.

"Mrs Spears?" She jerked back into reality. Her previous thoughts being forgotten like a dream.

"Mrs Spears? We're here to ask you a few questions." She bring her self to look at the man and the woman sitting opposite her. They both wore suits. Not policemen.

"We're here to talk about the advertisement campaign to help find your son." Polly nodded.

"Right, well lets get started shall we?" the man raised a briefcase and placed it on the coffee table in front of him. He opened the case. There was a window open near the coffee table. It was quite blowy outside. A breeze caught a few of the papers inside the case and blew them across the room. The man futilely tried to stop the paper from escaping but it floated into the air, up towards the ceiling. And stopped a few centimetres from it. It just froze. All eyes were on the petrified poster of Douglass' face. Everyone waited for it to come down. It didn't.

"I'm going to get the police." Polly said as she got off the sofa. Luckily there was an officer on beat outside so she showed the policeman the floating poster. It was as though time had given up on it and left it stranded there. The policeman radioed into the local station. They didn't believe him until they came down to look. It wasn't about to stop there.

Inside the walking life support machine's ship. He was impressed with how well his plan was going. He could easily get a good lead with their ship out of action for a few hours. He needed to get to Mars before they made it to Earth. He could taste is goal. The hard part was getting out of the wreck supposedly called a mental hospital. He'd make them pay. Just duping him there would not be forgotten. Leaving him to rot in that place could never be forgotten. He would make them pay. Then he would pay Galion a visit again. With a civilisation crushing army. They would perish in flames just as they though that they would. He would be happy to fulfil that little idea of theirs. He'd make them pay.


	5. Fifth Chapter: The Plot Thickens

#~Blastan Secrity Mainframe~# {Date 59279756.545895.5448871.6} {Location: East Mastpho}

"So let me get this straight. There's aliens living on earth?" Douglass said, trying to take in more than the safe amount for his brain.

"Illegally but yeah." Milo said. He shovelled more of the strange broth into his mouth. They walk down the busy street, full of food vendors and their steam.

"All I can say is that it makes perfect sense." Douglass said. "I could swear that my French teacher came from Venus or something."

"Miss Porter?" Milo said with a look of recollection.

"Yeah!"

"Wow! I always wondered what had happened to her. Always a crafty blass." Milo started to eat the container his Grall and Onion soup came in. Douglass looked at him like he was sucking cornflakes through a tuba.

"Its edible. Saves on waste disposal." Milo explained. They began to approach a stand on one side of the street they were in. They walked up to the wooden structure. A small silver bell hung from the roof, Milo rung it. Two men appeared shouting:

"'Ello!". Douglass was relieved that they were human. He could have sworn he had seen them somewhere before.

"Did ya enjoy it?" said the taller of the two men, his nose was a striking feature made more striking by the moustache he kept under it. He seemed to have an accent.

"Yes. Thank you." Milo said.

"Good, good. Off anywhere nice?" said the smaller of the two men. His large nose and moustache stood out on his face.

"Earth." Milo said.

"Your allowed to go there now, then?" said the taller man, he leaned on the counter. "We'd like to back there some day wouldn't we, eh Barry?" The smaller man, presumably Barry, nodded in agreement.

"I wouldn't go yet. Someone wants to destroy it." Milo said. "Earth doesn't know it yet but it might go down with the rest of us."

"Oh dear, oh dear." The men said in unison.

"Yes." Milo said. Douglass couldn't quite put his finger on where he had seen these two men.

"Hey! I've got an idea!" Said the taller man. Barry wasn't confidant.

"Not a one of your plans..." he said.

"If we hear anything, we'll send it to you. We travel around a lot." said the taller man.

"We're bound to hear something." Barry said.

"Thanks. I'll give you our details." Milo said. The taller man pulled out what was probably a pen and paper. I would go into detail but I can't be bothered. Milo scribbled on the paper.

"You weren't in a sitcom were you?" Douglass said to Barry. Barry stared back, wondering what he was talking about.

Reurith sneaked back to The Palisade. She had left Cassandre with the excuse that she had forgotten her purse. It had been hard to mute the clanking coins in her pocket as she skipped through the streets. She needed to get some food to her. There wasn't much to eat in the cargo bay that she could readily eat. Most of it was frozen. Cassandre couldn't bare to have her break any of her teeth on a frozen kimchi. She always felt at home with her in the cargo bay. Soon she could go there any time she wanted. The thought made her quicken her pace.

Tank and Alli were at home in the city, literally. Born and raised here in Blastis. They wondered the streets. Tank had a bag of curried mice in his oversized hand (curried only because of the spices that covered the rodent. They were strong enough to cook the meat on their own.) They wondered the bustling streets. Steam rising into the grey sky matched the building that reached for it. The shadows of hover vehicles, repelled by the magnetic field above the city streets, raced over the people below. One of these people was a crooked creature by the name of Nobbly. Nobbly is a beaten and particularly old Chlorophelaelius (evolved from a form of redwood) that is shrivelling up. In a voice as old as mahogany he rasped to Alli.

"Maps for sale." Alli and Tank stopped.

"Really..." Alli said looking at the ragged pieces of parchment.

"Yes." Nobbly said.

"We're not interested." Alli said coldly.

"Hey! I'll play a game with you!" Nobbly said grabbing Alli by the scruff of his neck.

"I love games! What shall we play?" Tank said. The side of Nobbly's mouth cracked as he smiled.

"We shall play for a map. A very special map. If I win you have to pay for it. If you win its free."

"We don't want a nerking map." Alli said, his long feet swishing in the air as he struggled to break free from the tree's grip. He glared angrily into the shadow Nobby's hood caused.

"Just tell me this. If I'm as old as my tongue, how old am I?" He oozed over-confidence. With a free hand, Alli grabbed a branch growing out from underneath the hood, then the tree's hood and revealed a knalled, crocked face of wood. Alli broke the branch and inspected the end. Counting every single ring in the wood. Nobby's face was a statue. Well, it wasn't but you get the idea or the rest of the conversation would be very one sided.

"Hundred and fifty-seven." Alli said after finishing counting. "Make sure its a good map."

"There's someone in the cargo bay!" Reurith said lightly tugging Sparks away from strange hanging 'dolls'. Her tone full of emergency.

"Then go and tell them to leave! I'm making the most of my time here." Sparks said angrily.

"He's got a gun! He's threatening to take the ship if you don't see him now!" Reurith pulled Sparks almost off his feet.

"All right! Fine! I'll go!"

Sparks appeared around the doorway, with a pistol in his hands. Copied from the human design despite humans not knowing that most of their inventions were copied. Sometimes, people just couldn't be bothered invent a tin opener or a electromagnet when a world has already got theirs working and won't find out for a couple of hundred years. He did the whole training exercise. Checking into each and every container. It slowly got colder as a white mist poured out of the containers. Sparks shivered. Get this done, he thought, and you can go warm up in a hot tub. Yep. Another nicked invention. His boots crushed the ice below him. His breath fogging the air in front of his eyes. There was a noise like something falling to the floor and hitting gravel. Lots and lots of gravel. Maybe not that much. He trod carefully towards the container two doors down. He stopped to the side of the frozen door. He risked a peak. Nothing, a few boxes and the back of the container. It would be a good idea to check though. So, putting one foot in front of the other, he crept towards a particular pile of boxes that could be used as a hiding place. Sure enough a girl was huddled in with the frozen products. She raised her head. From seemingly nowhere, light glinted off a tiara she must have been wearing. Its blue shine blinding Sparks.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" He raised the gun and aimed it for her head.

"Could you put that gun down, please?" her voice was laced with some kind of strange sweetness that you could not ignore. Sparks dropped the gun and heard it bang on the icy floor.

"OK. Is this what you-wait! What am I doing?" he said getting suddenly getting very annoyed.

"You won't tell anyone I'm here, will you?" It was a command rather than a question. Sparks found himself shaking his head.

"Good. There are a few things I want you to do." Sparks started to nod like an idiot.

Polly sat in her living room, once again invaded by strange men but this time, they came from another organisation apart from the police. They had spent a good hour throwing things into random areas of her home and watched as the objects fell to the floor a few minutes later. They had laughed and pointed as the objects floated as though frozen but now they had sat Polly down, ready for a little chat.

"So...I expect this is a little strange." said the man who had introduced him self as Tolken. His jumper was green, his face was largely obscured by his beard, sideboards and fringe. Of the three scientists that arrived he was the only one who didn't have a face of zits. Although, how could you tell if Tolken did or not? Polly nodded.

"Yes." she said.

"Your home seems to have pockets where no time at all exists." Tolken said as though this was a very pretty vase they were talking about. "We have decided to call them Grand Holes."

"Isn't that your name?" Polly said.

"Yes, that's where it's from." said Tolken Grand. The oily man next to him grumbled.

"Why do we have to name it after you?" He eventually said.

"Because I say so." Tolken said.

"Your a Grand Hole!" the twenty-year-old said. Glasses slipping as he said his comeback. The other twenty-year-old sniggered into his cup of tea.

"Yes. Well, we have brought in a real expert, he should arrive very soon. He has quite a trip from London to Cornwall I'm afraid but he should get here soon." Polly's heart sank. Not another so-called expert. Maybe she should ask what the guy down the town who sells the dodgy radios thinks.


End file.
